Of Discussions, Debates & Arguments

Why do discussions turn into arguments? Explore causes of aggressive debates, ego clashes, and the importance of civility in communication today

Prannab Pani

“Sorry, you’re wrong”, I said. You haven’t gone deep into this issue; hence, you’ve no knowledge about the truth.” I concluded.

“Oh, you only know it?” He retorted with a pitched voice, laced with sarcasm. You’re biased and you always think you only know everything…keep it to yourself and don’t try to educate me.”

I tried to reason with him saying, “Look, whatever you read on WhatsApp isn’t always true.”And offered to suggest, “read books, read newspaper editorials, gather viewpoints and know the actual history, and not today’s fabricated narratives that have political hues, vested interests.”

He snapped, “You talk like our Opposition parties…all those anti-nationals, anti-……! Intellectuals like you’re urban ………!” He was hurtful, hence combative. I was aghast. I withdrew…remained silent.

Does this sound familiar to you? This is just a small glimpse to the raging conversations that occur each time, one discusses any issue with another person, younger and older alike…a daily occurrence that leaves you feeling bad, hurtful, abused and insulted as well. You wonder why people lose temper if you disagree with them or trying to correct their views and opinions that are not based on facts and are untrue because of their ignorance.

Welcome to the aggro-world.

Conversation is a natural process of communication among the human beings. It is a healthier practice as well to express and communicate to each other, to share knowledge, thoughts and opinions too. Communication is the life-line to any relationship. Absence of that could lead to assumptions which fuelsmisinterpretation and misunderstanding.

Art & Science of Communication
In psychoanalytic theory, the id, ego, and superego are three distinct, interacting agents in the psychic apparatus, outlined in Sigmund Freud’s structural model of the psyche.

Similarly ethos, pathos, and logos are the three primary modes of persuasion identified by the Greek Philosopher Aristotle: ethos builds credibility, pathos appeals to emotion, and logos uses logic and reason, forming the rhetorical triangle to influence audiences effectively in communication, from speeches to advertising. Effective persuasion often balances all three, establishing trust, credibility (ethos), connecting emotionally, emotional appeal (pathos), and providing facts, logic (logos).

All these I have shared here to inform all my learned readers of the art and science of communication. Besides, to refer to you how these emotional tools shape our communication and where it veers off the track. Many of us are smart enough to know how to make effective communication, keeping our audiences engaged, influenced and even win arguments.

Aggressive Arguments in Discussions/Debates
This article will focus on a very pertinent and topical issue of grave concern and disturbance that affects all of us most of the times. This will surely resonate with you too.

I have been intrigued by the loss of civility in personal and public discourses leading to savaging debates and ugly arguments, where no one listens to the other, each stuck to his stand rigidly. This article focuses on this issue, trying to understand what triggers such strong emotions and why do we behave so rudely.

Why do we think less and react more? Why can’t we discuss and debate different views and thoughts without being personal and aggressive? Why do we pounce on the person who airs a different view and questions our biased views and ignorance? Why don’t we have mutual respect anymore? Why can’t we agree to disagree in a dignified manner? There is always, my view, your view and the truth.

With the advent of the ubiquitous, all pervasive social media, people express themselves on everything. Suddenly, we are able to respond to any post in the public domain of even celebrities and famous people. But we also have failed to maintain civility as we troll and abuse these eminent personalities, if found their views and opinions contrary to ours. No civility in public discourses these days, which weren’t there earlier. Thanks to the democratic social media platforms, we are able to express anything, acting behind anonymity. Such boldness and aggression may not happen when we stand/sit with such people and engaged in a discussion or debate. But our TV news channels have been encouraging hot heads, bereft of civility, to stay engaged in endless debates, where the anchor acts as a participant speaker rather than a neutral panel discussion moderator, throwing away all journalistic ethics. Sadly all news TV channels in India have become noise polluters, fanning hatred, pushing away saner gentlemen and ladies from watching news on TV.

Nobel Laureate Dr.AmartyaSen in his book “The Argumentative Indian”refers to the great Indian civilization, through the cultural contentions, to the much revered scriptures, and the extensive writings of the travelling world philosophers to India from time to time. And through logical analysis offered insight into the general psyche that has shaped up generations to discuss debate and argue endlessly, turning into a national characteristic, but exhibiting the prudent analytical minds, helping the bright minds to be inquisitive and innovative.Dr.Sen has, in a scholarly manner concluded convincingly to establish how argumentative we Indians are, which is in ample show today in our day-to-day life.

Zulu proverb says, “The same boiling water that softens the potato hardens the egg.”

Meaning: Similar experiences can impact people in different ways. Avoid judging someone else’s circumstances just because you navigated through a similar situation successfully.

No two persons are same. Hence, no two persons can agree on everything, every time. But mutual respect we can discuss gracefully, maintaining dignity, while speaking with knowledge.

Cause & Effect
We are all different people with different personalities owing to several issues and influences on us on different circumstances and the way we are brought up and understood life. Hence, we react and act differently.

Law of Causality works everywhere and the cause-effect rule if analysed, would help us understand issues in hand, as we experience them all along. Analysts make good use of this to dissect and reach the roots of the same.

Let’s understand the causes of all such issues. Our emotions, reactions, actions are all driven by certain triggers that induce in us such feelings, of positivity or negatives. This also stems from the way we think and who we are. A famous quote by Lord Buddha states, “We are what we think, all that we are arises with our thoughts, with our thoughts we make the world.” Mind is everything. What we think, we become. Hence, it’s asked, where it is coming from? Scholarly Analysts follow this principle to unravel and unearth the truth and to understand people and their acts of omissions and commissions alike. With the psycho-analysis of human beings, we can easily peel off the layers to understand the person in question and can even predict her/his behaviour on specific instances.

Once the famous women tennis champion and a all-time great sportswoman, the Czech born American Martina Navratilova was asked by the media reporters on the secret of her fitness, agility and strength even at her age. She smiled and replied thatthe ball doesn’t know her age and wants to be hit hard when in play. She elaborated that we don’t live in the bungalows. But live in our minds and play on the six inch space between our ears. Mind is the key player in shaping our reactions and actions based out the thoughts created there. Hence, it is important to feed positive and useful inputs into that.

Healthy communication is about navigating the thin line between destructive ego and constructive debate. As Mahatma Gandhi famously stated, “honest disagreement is often a good sign of progress, that of a civilized society.”

1. Lack of Patience hence, no detail reading, and without knowing it all, people tend to get misled by misinformation and disinformation, believing in fabricated narratives with malicious intent
2. Absence of in-depth knowledge restricts clear understanding, making people opinionated and judgmental as well, which leads to arguments during discussions and debates
3. Absence of value system across the spectrum has eroded mutual respect, hence arguments and abuses, even to family seniors and highly eminent personalities surface, each time we discuss something
4. A combination of factors are in play like high-stress lifestyles, the rise of digital anonymity, and a shift from seeking mutual understanding to a “win-at-all-costs” mentality. When discussions become heated, they often turn into power struggles where participants feel threatened, leading to emotional outbursts rather than healthy debate based on logic and rationality 

Let’s Introspect
Dear Readers, please take a pause and let’s introspect. Ask yourselves why do you react with uncharitable comments engulfed with negativity and disrespect, when in disagreement with someone, no matter how senior and respected the person could be? Why have we forgotten civility in discussion? Trust me; it is only our ego that doesn’t allow us to behave. In a discussion when much disagreement transforms it to a debate culminating in arguments with aggression, it’s the ego that comes into active play as intense emotional identification with opinions overwhelm our heart andcompelling us not to lose it, thus the disrespectful communication ensues. Silence should be exercised in such times, when emotions flare up under provocation. With the advent of the social media, such aggro behaviour prevails behind anonymity veil. Hence, we see abusive responses from several people on the social media.

There has been a steady decline in civility, loss of empathyand humility these days. Gone are the days, whenthe grown up children dared not disrespect parents, even when in disagreement. But today, arguing with aggression with the parents has no more been an aberration, rather a common place daily experience, puncturing the family and social fabrics. Exhibition of aggressive behaviour has been disturbingly recurring while the tolerance level too is fast declining. “My way or highway”, seems to be the rhetoric often.

The Last Word
Absence of value systems, mutual respect, empathy and wisdom, coupled with being self-centric, engulfed with negative emotions et al have always impacted humans to display aggression and disrespect,which have affected every aspect of our lives today, especially on the virtual world, on the social media platforms. A matter of grave concern it is that needs to be nipped in the bud. Teaching young minds about civility, mutual respect and being responsible to lead a disciplined life by the parents and at the schools, may shape their thoughts and outlook…both to develop civic sense and civility. Seniors carry baggage, hence hard to mend their ways. Let’s be nice to people because this world can be a very difficult place.

We can complain because roses have thorns or you may rejoice because thorns have roses. It is all in the mind-set and attitude!

Celebrate Life.

(The author is a Corporate Strategist, Entrepreneur, and Startup Mentor. Views expressed are personal.)

For more articles by the author under the series please visit:

Relationships
Parenting – The Art and Responsibility of Shaping Lives
Failure is not the End: Rise, Learn, and Rebuild Life